You Might Be a Lawyer if...
* you believe that a forty words' sentence is a short one.
* you have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
* you can look at a contract and instantly tell whether it's verbal or written.
* your other car is a BMW.
* when you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
* when your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.
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Showing posts with label Law Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Law Jokes. Show all posts
Tuesday, 8 July 2008
Monday, 7 July 2008
A woman's eternal punishment!
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
"That's unfair !" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
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"That's unfair !" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
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Friday, 4 July 2008
When a personal cheque does it
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
L-K’ers: What is your take on this? Email your opinion now to: pmusyimi@gmail.com
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
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Thursday, 3 July 2008
When two people were buried together!
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother.
On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
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On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
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Wednesday, 2 July 2008
An annoying lawyer will ask it!
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."
The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."
The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question."
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The witness: "Yes, sir."
The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."
The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question."
L-K’ers: What is your take on this? Email your opinion now to: pmusyimi@gmail.com
Tuesday, 1 July 2008
When justice prevails, appeal immediately!
A junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: "Justice prevailed."
The senior partner replied in haste: "Appeal immediately."
L-K’ers: What is your take on this? Email your opinion now to: pmusyimi@gmail.com
The senior partner replied in haste: "Appeal immediately."
L-K’ers: What is your take on this? Email your opinion now to: pmusyimi@gmail.com
Monday, 30 June 2008
If it ain't broke, don't fix it!
When the man in the street says: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it," the lawyer writes:
"Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures."
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"Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures."
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Friday, 27 June 2008
A clause for giving an orange!
The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"
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The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"
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Thursday, 26 June 2008
Time to network with potential clients!
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
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A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
L-K’ers: What is your take on this? Email your opinion now to: pmusyimi@gmail.com
Wednesday, 25 June 2008
To butcher is the roast, to lawyer is legal advice!
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.
L-K’ers: What is your take on this? Email your opinion now to: pmusyimi@gmail.com
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.
L-K’ers: What is your take on this? Email your opinion now to: pmusyimi@gmail.com
Tuesday, 24 June 2008
When you have to justify the bill...
A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:
"Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. --- Kshs 5,000.00."
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"Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. --- Kshs 5,000.00."
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Monday, 23 June 2008
Where is my Rolex???!!!
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"
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"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"
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Friday, 20 June 2008
The bandit, the Ranger and the Lawyer
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
L-K’ers: What is your take on this? Email your opinion now to: pmusyimi@gmail.com
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
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Thursday, 19 June 2008
Billing for dreaming about the case?
"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money."
"Why do you say that?"
"Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: Kshs 15,000'."
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"Why do you say that?"
"Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: Kshs 15,000'."
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Wednesday, 18 June 2008
Don't break the case, quickly!
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm.
At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!"
His father responded: "You idiot, we could live on the funding of that case for another ten years!"
L-K’ers: What is your take on this? Email your opinion now to: pmusyimi@gmail.com
At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!"
His father responded: "You idiot, we could live on the funding of that case for another ten years!"
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Tuesday, 17 June 2008
Is there a lawyer in the house?
A lawyer, who was talking to his son about entering college, said, "Now what got into your head that you want to be a doctor instead of a lawyer?"
"Well, dad," answered the son, "did you ever hear anybody get up in a crowd and shout frantically, 'Is there a lawyer in the house?' "
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"Well, dad," answered the son, "did you ever hear anybody get up in a crowd and shout frantically, 'Is there a lawyer in the house?' "
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Monday, 16 June 2008
Difference between a good and a bad lawyer
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years.
A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
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A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years.
A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
L-K’ers: What is your take on this? Email your opinion now to: pmusyimi@gmail.com
Wednesday, 11 June 2008
A shilling to bury a lawyer
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. Only a shilling? said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney?" Here's a guinea; "go and bury 20 more of them."
L-K’ers: What is your take on this? Email your opinion now to: pmusyimi@gmail.com
L-K’ers: What is your take on this? Email your opinion now to: pmusyimi@gmail.com
Tuesday, 10 June 2008
Do you serve lawyers?
A man walked into a bar with his alligator pet.
He sat on the counter and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure do" replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man.
His order was "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
L-K’ers: What is your take on this? Email your opinion now to: pmusyimi@gmail.com
He sat on the counter and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure do" replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man.
His order was "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
L-K’ers: What is your take on this? Email your opinion now to: pmusyimi@gmail.com
Monday, 9 June 2008
Where do you think lawyers come from?
An anxious 15 year old girl comes home from school.
"Mum", she asks tentatively, "can you get pregnant from anal sex?"
"Don't be silly of course you can", replies her mother, "where do you think lawyers come from?"
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"Mum", she asks tentatively, "can you get pregnant from anal sex?"
"Don't be silly of course you can", replies her mother, "where do you think lawyers come from?"
L-K’ers: What is your take on this? Email your opinion now to: pmusyimi@gmail.com
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